Saturday, August 27, 2011

Hey Irene: Wanna know what I really think about you?

Oh Irene.  To say that you're a complete jerk is the understatement of the summer.

I'm so sick of you I could scream.  I don't want to talk about you; I don't feel like listening to you; I don't appreciate that you've ruined everyone's last weekend before it's Back to School.

I swear to God, Irene: If I lose power for three days because of you, I will come and find you.  You do NOT mess with a teacher during the first week of school.  And especially, you don't mess with a teacher's ability to blow dry her hair during the same week.  You really must be some kind of idiot.

Clearly, you have no clue how rageful I can be when my hair dryer doesn't work and my $3 organic milk sits in a room temp fridge.  100 mph wind? Girl: you ain't seen nothin til you've seen a seriously pissed off Virgo professor with a bad hair day during back to school week.

Oh, and Irene?  If your aftermath screws my birthday this Monday, there really will be hell to pay.  Look: It's bad enough that my birthday is forevermore the anniversary of the levies breaking in New Orleans because your friend Katrina destroyed them.  Really, I will never forget sitting in Ryan's pub that August 29th with my little sister (on my FIRST DAY OF GRAD SCHOOL, no less! WHAT IS IT with you girls wrecking Back to School week AND my birthday YEAR AFTER YEAR???). We stared open-mouthed at the flat screen televisions as the roofs of New Orleans disappeared under brown swirling muck.  It was horrible.  Happy Birthday to me.  The U. S. was in great spirits that day. Thanks a lot.

So thanks, Irene: Thanks for ruining Molly and Julie's respective plans to go down the shore, not to mention the plans of countless mid-Atlantic shore-goers.  Thanks for ruining my plans for meeting up with the fam this weekend for birthday cake.  Thanks for making me paranoid about missing a message from my schools because of power outages and possibly no Internet.  Thanks for coming after The Rainiest Month Ever in the Recorded History of Philly.  Thanks for ruining countless brides' weddings from North Carolina to Maine.  Thanks for forcing the poor patients in Manhatten hospitals to evacuate elsewhere. You're a swell girl.

So, in the meantime:

We've battened down the hatches and secured the rigging.  I'm seriously ready to set sail in this house. *knock wood*

I found an unfinished baby blanket that doesn't require electricity, Internet, or batteries for completion.

I have a stack of non-academic school books, three charged iPods, and one charged iPhone at the ready.

And I have two bottles of Skinny Girl margarita in the fridge.  And an extra bottle of vodka to be safe.

Fingers-crossed that this isn't too bad.


Linda C said...

DEAR LORD... you need to think more positive thoughts! Irene is what she is OR should I say was what she was. I am thanking my lucky stars that we came through the rain, wind, and floods with electricity on and house and trees in place.

Linda C said...

Oh and most important HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! It is a beautiful, sunny day.