Saturday, July 23, 2011

Holy Mother of Jesus: please help me--I've crossed to the dark side


Dear Holy Mother: I bought an iPhone.  Do you know what that is? It is, quite simply, the Devil's right hand tool (or left hand? because left handed things are evil or something? I might have missed that lesson in CCD class).  Worst of all, I bought it mostly because I wanted the extra camera.  Things have suddenly become too easy and simple (especially texting, which was getting really tiresome because I was still pounding out "84433" simply to write "the").  I have done nothing to deserve this, and it's only a matter of time before the sin of buying simplicity is revealed to the world when my soul is so undeserving of the convenience. Oh Holy Mother: please protect me from the sin of spending too many minutes of the day staring at the phone, rather than the people and things right there next to me. And please don't let me forget to silence the phone in places where ringing is inappropriate.  Please protect me from paying too much for apps I don't need, and please don't let me become too dependent on auto-correct for my spelling.  Most of all Holy Mother, please don't let me drop the phone or get it wet.  Grazie Lei.

Holy Mother: my husband said the saddest thing to me in the car yesterday. Upon realizing the magic of having access to Google Maps in the car, he (my forever and eternal compass; he who never got lost once in Rome--have you been to Rome, O Holy Mother?  It's not a traditional grid--it's a winding, twisting circus of random streets, all baring three millennia of foot traffic, Fiats, and Vespas ... You should really go, Holy Mother, because there is a shrine dedicated to you on EVERY corner--not joking) ... Anyway, my lovely husband said to me, "I guess you won't need me anymore."

Me: Huh?
Ron: You won't need me anymore.
Me: Why would you say that?
Ron: If you always have access to a map, then you won't require or admire my 100% reliable and consistent sense of direction anymore. You won't need me anymore.

I don't know why, Holy Mother, but this literally broke my heart.  Because Ron NEVER gets lost. EVER.  He is one of those super annoying Eagle Scouts who says (and I would never lie to you, Holy Mother), "Well based on the position of the sun in the sky and the slanting of the shadows ... we should walk three blocks east ... which is THIS way ... and the address we want will be right there." This is one of my favorite things about him.  So I promised to get lost frequently and only call him for help.  Whereupon he reminded me that such behavior (ie, unnecessary dependence on someone else) is not really in line with the feminist philosophy that I so deeply personally and professionally espouse.  But, I told him that we'll set aside technicalities, and that he will remain my first and only true compass.

But, other than that Holy Mother, I'm pretty damn happy with this.  My only fear: I really just don't want the possession of this newfangled technology to turn me into one of those smart-phone-bumps-on-a-log that literally cannot string together a single coherent sentence in English without the assistance or approval of his/her phone.

So if we can avoid that, that would be great.

Oh, and thank you Holy Mother for my friend Joan who has texted me nonstop this morning to teach me how to use the phone which has been invaluably helpful.

And, please encourage my friend Jess to make a deal with me: When she comes over here to take pizza lessons from Ron, she has to teach me how to use this thing (in Joan's absence) while the dough is rising.  That's an hour of free tutoring, but I promise I won't torture her for more than an hour.  Your encouragement would be kindly appreciated.

Also, you could let the patron saint of telephones know that I need his/her extra protection? I don't know who it is, but it could be St. Clare since she's the patron saint of television ... technically, I can watch TV on the phone, so maybe I should stick with her? What do you think?

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